Growing up, I could not imagine what a life absent of attending church for regular service, bible study and prayer would be like.  Like many of us who grew up in the church, I really had no choice. You could count on me to be present every time the doors of the church were opened.  It seemed as if every time my mother thought about church, we were there!  I recall a conversation with my mother where I questioned the point of attending church as often as we did. What else could the pastor possibly say every Sunday that he had not said before?

      When I found out that I was with child, I was full of mixed emotions. Knowing that my life was about to change, I was highly dissapointed in myself.  I never wanted to bring a child into this world unmarried and without proper planning.  I was smart and I knew what the consequences would be, yet I found myself in this situation.  I felt an overwhelming sense of self-condemnation, doubt and fear.  I no longer saw myself as the vibrant, smart, and intelligent young lady full of potential.  I painted a very negative image of myself and somehow I was convinced that I identified more with those who never dreamed. My low self-esteem led me to believe that I could no longer dream, and that it was selfish of me to do so considering the fact that I was unpreparred for the child I was carrying inside of me.  I had the support of an amazing friend during this time, however I was in a very dark place on the inside.  No matter how much anyone did to try to show me that I was still the same person and that I would be ok, I had given up. My dreams of becoming a professional singer were replaced with nightmares of how I would live downtrotted for the rest of my life, and for a while I would not sing, not even to myself.

       So, what did I do? Who did I turn to? What could lift my soul from the pit of condemnation? Where did I go to find myself again? I returned to that same word of God that I had read about all of those years. I returned to my foundation and God began to strengthen my broken heart.  It has not been an overnight process, but healing began to take place when I decided to believe in the God of my salvation.  I knew that in him I could be redeemed. Looking back, I realize that the word of God that was repeated over and over in my youth was for now.  I required that foundation because I would not know that God was for me and that he would never leave or forsake me. I would not know about the Love of God and how he says in Rom. 8 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

      Now I stand from a place of victory. I love my healthy, smart, intelligent and amazing son who's birth gave new life to me! I know about God's love for myself and it's what I sing about everyday!

-Colandra McDowell



Colandra is an independent artist in Raleigh, NC. Follow her on twitter: @colamcdowell
Check out her music ministry at www.colandramcdowell.com

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