Recently I received a facebook message from a friend …well, I don’t know if I can call her a friend. Frankly, I don’t want to, she does not meet the requirements I have for a friend. Now I could try to paint a horrible picture of who she is, but the truth is that she is beautiful. Her personality is so charming and intriguing, she demands the attention of most she encounters. Whether she realizes it or not, she’s the type of person who’s easy to love, easy to give to.  But really this post is not about a girl I used to call friend, it’s about me and a valuable lesson I learned the hard way. You see she is every bit of worthy of love but, she wasn’t the type of friend I deserved.

More recently, I have come to question what it really means to truly forgive others. Question what Jesus meant when He asked us to love one another, question who I should consider a friend, and ultimately, I began to question my own judgment and my ability to discern this matter wisely. Due to my combination of hurtful experiences, disappointment, fear, and lack of faith, I developed a distorted view to the answer of these questions I had.  I was trying so hard to trust and follow God’s wisdom but failed to trust that God had equipped me to accurately discern His wisdom.

                I had always had doubts about the type of friend she would be to me. In fact, she was never really a great friend to me. Though she could be quite caring, her needs were demanding and they out shadowed mine. This beautiful girl had become self involved, often nursing her own wounds. Much of what she did she seemed to be in an effort to fill an emotional void and a need for gratification. Our relationship became overwhelmingly similar to mine with clients I serve everyday as a clinical social worker. It was unbalanced, I was giving far more than what I was receiving. Overall, she failed to give selflessly to me and this became draining, even painful at times. If I am honest with myself, and you, the truth is that I never wanted a close friendship with her, I just wanted to encourage her.

                How arrogant can this sound, moreover, how hurtful would it be to hear a friend describe you in this way?  I struggled with a lot of guilt for the feelings I had. I felt pressure from her, some around me, and from myself to be what I believed to be Christian-like and just accept the friendship she offered. How wrong of me would it be to deny it? I attempted several times to explain my dissatisfaction and she pleaded for opportunities to be a better friend. Foolishly, I felt obligated to continue this pattern and “love” my fellow Christian. Long story short, our friendship ended very poorly. The facebook message I received was several weeks after she almost effortlessly threw away the friendship I selflessly gave to her.  I had been so driven by what I believed God wanted me to do until I realized God only required me to love her, that was it! My Christianity obligated me to love my neighbors, not to call them friends. I thought forgiveness required me to extend my friendship to others even when my trust was consistently violated, but I came to realized that true forgiveness requires me to simply love them anyway. The friendship God intends for us is enjoyable, where selflessness is shared. It’s not a burden.  Though she is worthy of my love, I will not be returning my friendship to her this time. I LOVE HER, I pray she knows that, but a relationship only becomes friendship when the love God outlines in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is shared.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; love is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

“A man who has friends must himself be friendly…” Proverbs 18:24

- Paige A. Henry

Paige is a school social worker and independent artist in Detroit, MI. Find her music at www.sydneyandpaige.com or search "Sydney & Paige Henry" on Facebook.